imagine swimming into 30s in my last 2 hours of 20s.
It’s like swimming in an ocean into a new year on a clear night, alone. It must be the same feeling… There is a countdown, and I feel subtle and uneasy. The waves come and submerge all the memories in the water. Unknown. All of a sudden, I am on the other side, looking back at all the houses in the city with lights. The ocean is unexpectedly peaceful. I was once in those houses and struggling with something with someone. And now, I am on the other side looking at those houses, and those struggle doesn’t matter that much anymore. Just blurred memories and craving for warmth. Everything looks far and kind all of a sudden.
We must feel a few times like this in a lifetime. And we will feel one last time right before we lose our breath, except that time, we will never know when it is the last breath.
Thinking about death, I feel sad that I wasn’t treating myself nicer. I feel sad that I once compromised my heart for money, silenced for fear to oppose, just so that I can be a bit more comfortable with the world. I wish I wrote more. I wish I sang more and danced more… was brave enough to make a lot of mistakes with color and not worried about wasting paper. I wish I actually once jumped into the ocean in the middle of the night, looking back at the city light, so it’s not just an imagination.
And now, I am right at that future, I seem to wish something was done differently, so I am ready for a countdown. And I think about what I would really have done differently to make this moment less painful. But then I realized that I didn’t want anything to be different; it’s just it’s all so beautiful that I wish it were a bit longer. I wish 10s were 100 years, 20s were 1000 years, and they are never enough… and I started crying thinking about that too. My middle school was nice, and my high school was nice; my 30s must be so nice too. But I can’t think about the other side right now. I love my 20s. And I just love life so much that I wish everything were much much much much longer than it is.
