A song of air and fire
This is a song of air and fire.
When an air meets a fire, she takes off into space like a rocket. I am the air. And this is the year of learning to dance, to befriend, to belong, and to be one with fire.
—She ran away—
I met Him on Thursday morning I landed in the build. I had a whole drama landing in burning man already. It was a journey of its own. My carpool mate pushed my luggage out of her car last day and I showed up with only half of my survival items. I was exhausted and badly need to sleep and eat. And I was homeless.
I met the build crew, and immediately noticed Him. He greeted me with such uplifted spirit that I was suddenly ready to hammer… I could use that extra energy to hammer him into the playa too. I was animated by this person—
He is this overly friendly and quite exciting/hot character that I don’t have a reference in my friendship circles. A total stranger. I was never once close with someone like him. And for unknown reason I was about to explode. He has a magnetic voice of a teenager boy… And I definitely never once tried to interact with a heated masculine boy when I was also a teenager girl. I was Luna Lovegood. I was, and still full of air. This is too dangerous. I need to run! I am Luna Lovegood, run!!!
When we finished the first shade structure roof, I felt proud and yelled “I need compliment!”, he yelled back “good job!” I was secretly so happy but I didn’t look at him and ignored him.
I remembered he told me he was a bad student and always ran away. The character that flashed into my mind was Draco from Harry Potter. I felt like Hermione talking to Draco. Hermione just can’t shut up, and always straight A.
Dome sucked me in. These mermaids I found, worked at night, chilled during hot day, swam each other’s emotion and body seamlessly. We hit off right away with an ethereal conversation. They were fully present with me and followed into my aura. My people! I escaped to the dome from the build. It was irresistible. Later during the day, I asked Reverbia placement if I can camp with the dome, she said, it depends on the dome. I jumped. Then I privately talked to Yona (dome daddy), and he said “maybe”. I jumped. At night, I successfully set up my camp with the dome and rescued myself from the coming three disasters.
When I swam back from the dome, he picked out on me running away twice from the build. He was right, but I was on a mission to prep myself with the best living situation from lack of supply, and hoping no one from build crew would notice please! But he pointed out on me? I was about to explode again. “I notice everything.” He said.
He wore a red jacket a lot. Sometimes a red bandana. I could easily spot on him in a long line waiting for kitchen food, or in the build. Him in red color was always popping into my eye. It was the right color for him. I was mostly blue into the build and early burn.
One night, I discovered his little purple Uhaul truck. In my 2023 “my favorite place on playa” I wrote about how my tent was my favorite place on playa — it’s simplicity and big ambient. But his Uhaul is…next level! I felt home and almost got sucked in just looking at it… looking into it. I wish I could have designed it, but someone did it and it was right here, and I had nothing to improve. Not just shocking, but also annoying, stylistically how I would picture a perfect cube space, and yet effortless and minimal, very few pieces of furnitures and decors, but max-out ambient, and strangely pragmatic to drive and clean. Rodrigo was there. Rodrigo has hilarious voice. Just hearing him make me laugh but I somehow remembered nothing he said. I was so engaged screening this purple space. Soon, time passed, and I had simply a great time. I wished this Uhaul was an art piece in the deep playa! Him too. He was not too proud, just calmingly existing. Like he is the essence of it. And there was a mushroom on the Uhaul, totally not random on the side wall! Whaaaaa!!!! It was just all too perfect… And I ran away… because I couldn’t stand it anymore any longer.
I remember we sit next to each others in the back wing eating in the early build days before the storms. Journey and him took two cushions on a corner of a table. I asked Journey if I could sit next to her, she said “yes?” reluctantly. Then I realized she was waiting for A Lot. So I scooped to the same cushion that he was sitting on and asked him to move. He was a bit confused yet entertained by my act. Then A Lot showed up right after and Journey looked at A Lot full of affection, and I turn to him, and say “THIS IS WHY!” I was so proud that I can finally read romance before someone else did.
I made people laugh that dinner for saying straight forward yet slightly mean things, and the more I am this way the more people laugh. He seemed to like me straight-forward too. I thought he liked me, probably… And I was irritated by it… And it was too difficult for me to understand why I was irritated by him liking me that I ran away again back to the dome.
I passed by his U-haul again and saw Cobalt hanging around with Cobalt’s girlfriend. This time the U-haul’s energy was completely different than with Rodrigo. It was subtle. Cobalt was an energetic swamp cooler, he cooled the truck down and now I could see things clearly and was able to stay longer. “Can I give you anything to drink?” He was gentle when he looked at me, the very first time I felt something soft was inside him. I asked if he has a sweet drink, he said, Moscato D'Asti. Wait! That’s exactly what I wanted! Why does he have Moscato D'Asti?! Why does he have exactly what I wanted? After I drank, he stared at me and asked “does my eye look red”? I looked into his eyes first time, and my breath stopped for a good few seconds. His eyes were… very pure… in complete contrast of the heat on his face. His face was red…yet his eyes looked so peaceful… “no… they are… blue…” They laughed. I didn’t know why they laughed. But I was glad they did. I was mesmerized by his eyes and those laughters saved me from needing to explain my silence, and why my breath was also taken for a moment.
Soon, Cobalt said storm was coming, and left with his girlfriend. So, I needed to be with the dome, that’s the correct thing right? Or where else do I go? I shouldn’t stay in his truck. It wasn’t appropriate. I will end up stuck in his truck for the rest of the night. I was already feeling sucked in by his truck, and I didn’t know what else we would do! He liked me! I liked him…? Did I just like him all of a sudden because of his eyes? What a classic Shiyoo love story — looked into someone’s eye for four seconds and fell in love… What if I am turned on? How do I ask for sex and deal with a no? I never had to ask for sex. So I have no skill to deal with no. This is too dangerous… I need to run!
…So I did. I ran away again. A very quick goodbye, and I said “I should be with the dome…” An almost fleeing goodbye. I totally fled, in full speed. Wow… That was… such a relief!
At some point, I told him about the stressful carpool situation coming to the playa, and he offered me to ride with him back to SF. I was surprised about him offering so fast, and I was excited about it. I kept it in mind the while burn.
I noticed his bean-shaped stainless steel mug. It was another shiny object in my eye. I couldn’t stop looking at it and was always able to spot it while we were in line of food or shower or in a group.
I caught him holding coconut oil in a broken container in the left corner of his truck, liquid oil spilled everywhere. What a cute bad choice of container from a hustler! Trading coconut oil on his hair for a mess to deal! I almost wanted to offer to re-jar for him right on the spot. I laughed so hard secretly.
Before the second rain storm, we met again in the Coco Disco party with the rest of the build. I was surprised and excited to see him in the build group. Surprised because he looked not much like a group person to me. And I was restricted to show my excitement seeing him. He had coconut alcohol in his bean cup. I wanted to taste it from his cup. But I didn’t ask. He would have said yes though, and I had to deal with his YES… I had a whole coconut in my hand. And he would have offered to carry my coconut… And I had to deal with his help… I also felt too ugly that day to ask to sip drink from a hot boy’s cup and being offered to carry my coconut. After the last storm, I lost most of my clean laundries and toiletries and gave up on brushing hair, doing face and I looked not just homeless but… PRIMITIVE. I was all over the place and quite happy.
I remember when we departed from the Pony camp, I found him also at the intersection, I looked at him, and looked at the storm coming, and immediately rode away to dome in full throttle.
When the second rain storm passed, during the most epic sunset of the burn that everyone was waiting for, I found him. This is THE sunset after all the storms finally ended. The sun shined through clouds in multiple layers of colors, and changed them from light orange to orange to pink to blood orange, until the sun disappeared without notice. It moved all of our hearts in real time, and in sync. So much had happened. Lots of yelling, howling, laughing, hugging, and we all wished this moment could last forever. I stood next to him, and said, “this might be my very last burn”. Then he told me “I was already deciding to take a break from burning man for a few years.” I was not surprised, but… sad. It made sense to me he would not return next burn. But… it felt personal to me. I hadn’t even talked to him that much through out the build. One sand storm and two rains had passed… How did he do? Was he mostly alone? I was all cozying up in the fire pit and bonded deeply with the dome crew. But in the meantime, how did he pass his time? Was he all alone?
He showed up in the dome lift! It made me very… happy! He said, “so you are now one of those dome, ugh?” Am I? Stop pointing me out!!!
I remember seeing him only once at dome lounge. I ignored him again. He was in his red jacket, but his energy was buried by the dome crew even in that jacket. He left very soon and I had a mild fomo. I wished we talked in dome, it would have been a memorable conversation, but it was meant to be missed out that way.
In the next few days, he wasn’t even in my memory that much at all. We went on separate journeys.
Thursday build, I dragged Clif to fly me, Cullen and Sean (Sean from the dome crew). It was an event that I had been looking forward to for all 3 burns, but somehow I learned that I didn’t like being a pilot!!! I simply wanted to be flown instead.
Music when I ran away from his Uhaul before the storm: https://youtu.be/3no252J8-VA
—She came back—
I got comfortable naked during my first shower, where I splendidly failed to bring a towel. So I walked out of the shower naked (and got excited and lost all of my clothes). And… wow, it was very… nice? To have fresh sunshine drying my skin during the middle of the day. So I did that every single shower after. I brought nothing, walked naked in and out.
Once, I walked naked to his truck, towards the end of the burn week. It was still before Man Burn. I was looking for someone, but that wasn’t the real reason. I wanted to show up to his truck naked. And I didn’t remember why. There were other people there too. And I just remembered I walked up to him with such confidence. And I remember he didn’t even change his facial expression or was shocked by my nudity. I was so happy about his calmness. It made my day!
The stage crew took their sofa and moved to the front of the shade structure on Esplanade on the Man Burn day.
I planned a massive group meet up between the dome and the build at the man burn. I shot out messages to people I collected contact. He had a Malta number and the message didn’t go through. I was worried. But when I arrived at the Man burn I saw him sitting among build crew. I was relieved. He was in a group but sitting by himself.
Last year it was such a “wedding” feeling to be at the man burn with Motel, but this year I dramatically fell asleep after Journey’s performance. He was sitting with all the build crew. I was with the dome crew. I felt somehow alone even I was with dome. He felt alone to me as well with the build.
I walked the flame naked with the dome crew in Man’s ashes. I looked very forward to this activity, and I made sure I didn’t fall asleep, but somehow I was bored at the man’s ashes. I remember seeing all dome crew’s beautiful naked bodies but none of their bodies felt astonishing to me. It was like I already saw them naked when we were talking. People’s body never felt new to me. Seeing their bodies were like seeing old friends. I was right next to fire pits but I was too cold the whole time. I remember almost fell asleep in the ashes and almost became the famous Burning Woman this year.
After we put our clothes back on, we visited the steam room art car. It was closed. I was relieved. I didn’t need to be naked again on the Man Burn’s night. I was exhausted. Dome crew wanted to go on more adventures. I was too tired and slightly bored to follow, so I left the dome crew half way, hugged everyone and rode back my e-bike alone on full throttle.
When I arrived at the dome, I found the build crew sitting on a sofa. He was there!!!!!!! He looked straight into my eyes, and I looked straight into his eyes too. I didn’t run away this time. I parked my bike and jumped on him, and he let me sank me into his body.
Ellee came back, and sit next to us. I grabbed her hand, subconsciously, in the blanket, while I was on him. I wasn’t sure why I wanted to hold Ellee’s hand. She took her hand back, soon after. I was relieved after she took her hand back. I realized I wanted to be with him only, and I shouldn’t hold myself back anymore, or grabbing, or running away, to another person, or group.
…So I did. I let myself sank into him. We didn’t talk much while we were on the sofa. I remember he said “why are you so cuddly tonight?” I must be a confusing girl to him. But he liked me. There were things in life that just didn’t need explanation or words right away. It was pure that way, and honestly more honest that way. Our bodies are way more honest than our words most of the time. His body welcomed my body like it had been waiting. It felt natural. I was warmed up, the warmest I’ve ever been in this entire burn, the warmest in the entire three burns I’ve been.
I remember Journey looked down on all of us on the sofa and kissed the three people next to me on the lips, including Losha. Me and him weren’t being kissed on the lips. It was again, a big relief. Thank you, Journey, thank you for being so tuned to the moment, it would have been too much, if you were to kiss me and him also on the lips that night. I couldn’t take more kiss.
Our kiss was very passionate and strong. He closed his eyes, and I realized he was on drug. But somehow it didn’t feel like a random kiss. He was sober in his heart. It wasn’t a mindless kiss to me. It was landing on something that needed to be healed, to be hold, for different reasons, but for both of us, it was needed and so lovely.
We made excuse to get wine in his truck and left the crowd. We immediately started to entangle in his truck. I felt safe. And I had one of the worst (and probably one of the most important) conversation in my entire life. I remember he asked me questions and I couldn’t answer any of them properly, and I even couldn’t remember those questions properly. (and usually it’s the other way around). I was so challenged, entertained and turned on even more. There were great questions and I felt extremely dumb now for not remembering anything. I should have voice recorded the whole thing. I usually am the one remembering conversations and effortlessly impressing people later by repeating what they said. Not only that was not right, but I made it sound like we were having a ONE-NIGHT-STAND! Cuz I literally said those words that night. To me it was way less mindless than that. I wanted to say I discovered so many things about myself and it was excited and grateful and needed more time to process, but I couldn’t communicate anything. I was scared to be hurt. What if he disappears after this burn? Like how Burning Man is? Like how Dalton was? I was scared to be profound and intentional and honest. So I wanted to make myself sound mindless. My level of profoundness always scares people away. I needed to learn to be mindless. I was just simply incomprehensible.
In the mist of all the chemistry and confusions in my head, he expressed to me he was dating another girl. I, at that point, always assumed people were, but I was surprised and felt grateful that he mentioned it this fast. It was such an honest thing to say right away. He bit me twice in my ears and I got hurt, but the second time he was trying to remember I got hurt previous time. He said, “right, right…” Wait a second? So he is not a bad student? He was responsible as hell and trying to learn! What did I get wrong all this time about him? Was I mixing him with other beings?
That sudden shock of awakening was when I realize I was falling in love with his brutal honesty and care. My replies was all terrible, just TERRIBLE, but at least I realized I misunderstood him the whole time. It wasn’t the sex or his eyes I fell for. It was because he was the mirror opposite of how I understood him that turned me on. It was the contrast of the situation that made me exploded. I got him wrong this whole build and burn! And it was during the moment of the sex that I exploded. My awakening and the sex happened both at the same time. And the timing was extremely confusing, and I was overly exhausted at that point to separate them.
When we came back with wine, most of people on the sofa already dismissed, and I finally swam back into my tent like a snail and fell asleep.
The next morning, I woke up refreshed. Clif offered me to ride his private jet to summerlake so I can be with the dome crew. Astral from LA offered to ride me home in his van. April, my original carpool mate, was waiting for me. Aric also wanted me to ride home with his truck. But I wanted to ride with HIM to SF… So many options… I divided and conquered the whole day and sorted out everybody during the daytime of the Temple Burn. Then I walked to him to deliver my victory of problem-solving the possibility of our carpool.
He was with someone else talking while I walked to him, I punched him in his shoulder, and showed off my success. I must looked like a jumping and angry bunny.
We were wearing both sand-colored clothing that day. When we walked and talked passing kitchen, someone pointed out we had matching outfits. It made my day, that I wanted to dance around him in butterfly shape.
After a long long goodbye with everyone at the temple burn, Clif walked me back to the green lizard where we agreed to meet (and I messed up the time). He was there! I was lit up like an LED lizard myself when I saw him. I felt home-coming, and safe, seeing him. Someone who didn’t give up on waiting for me for 45 mins and didn’t get mad at me knowing that the line would have been significantly longer.
Our energy felt right on with the lizard too, a poetic serendipity to meet at the “end of the tale” of a green LED lizard. It was a perfect pick up.
I was picked up like a kid. I jumped on his bike pole and we rode towards the truck. When it became too difficult for him to ride, I hopped off the bike and he held me while I was walking, then I asked him jump off the bike to just walk with me. The whole time our hands were together. We were so silly, and so precious.
Music when I found him waiting at the lizard: https://youtu.be/3zp32SyvQoo
—She sees him—
He was reluctant to let me drive his truck. When he finally let me, I was entertained. The line was not moving, but it felt short, I even wanted to never get out somehow. It only took 6 hours. During that 6 hours, I looked at him close up and in slow motion. I couldn’t stop looking at him. He was like a giant baby next to me, keep moving for the perfect position, trying to find comfort in a very uncomfortable set up. But I made a difference, didn’t I?
When we saw each others in the eyes in silence, I couldn’t stop wanting to kiss him, and he received me like he wanted to, too. It was divine to have a synced kiss.
I wanted to hold him and he let me. I felt like his mother. A baby moving in the truck back and forth with me, trying to hold my hand, while I was wondering if he was comfortable. These were sweet moments I probably will never forget for the rest of my life.
When the night fell dark and deep, I walked out of the car, and saw A SKY FULL of STARS. Fresh air again, no sand storm, clear sky, slightly different hued mountain contouring the edge of my vision. I felt I was ready to leave Burning Man this time. First time, I felt I was meant to leave at the right time. My heart was filled with memories and I aged so much.
We slept on a road curb right outside of the exit. It was finally a tiring and warm night that we earned. I was grateful we were able to straight our legs in the lego of our cargos.
The next morning, I woke up in short alarm reluctantly and immediately had to prep a hearing with a wordy lawyer. That phone call was long and redundant that I wanted to quit every minutes to go back to the presence with him and have wild kiss. Being with him, every minute was worthless. I didn’t want to make money at that moment, I wanted to be with him, and I wanted to burn the lawyer alive for his speaking inefficiency. I wanted to tear the lawyer apart over the phone!
After over an hour of suffering, I was finally back with him. We stopped by Reno for breakfast and headed to SF.
“I am curious about why people sees me in those ways, like an asshole”, “these are assumptions you made about me”, “I wanted to only have deep connections.” These very familiar sentences filled our conversations during the drive. I was running away from him and he pointed me out. “But it’s like running away from LOVE.” He is right! And the way he said it was like piercing through a wall, that I thanked him. I told him he was too nice to me from the beginning, and he said, “so… too friendly, red flag?” I laughed, he is right, now it sounded too funny. I told him later I gave him a playa name Green Flag and I should probably make an LED one.
We passed by Tahoe and he started to share with me his writing. I didn’t know he write, and I didn’t know he liked the woods! I was so thrilled to hear these things unexpectedly. He shared with me over the drive, his passion for writing, his past initiatives for disaster in the world, Palestine, independent early career, his documentary filmmaking past life, and his tempo for a slow book writing. “I write the things I did on the list and still check them off.” He said he had not been writing for 5 years and it was simply brewing in his mind. But I said that was the way it should be. Slow as possible, intentional. He said, but do you know anyone who wrote like this? Has it been proven to work? …Wow, everything he said made absolute sense to me, and he didn’t need to explain to me anything about his heart. He made SENSE to me. It hit me hard like I was attacked by bullets, and I was willingly dying and proven wrong over and over again without much time to process and properly respond to each questions, stories. I was bleeding, and proud. I made probably no sense to him and my mind was all over the place, but I was screaming inside, “he made SENSE to me!”
When the sun set into the mountain as we were driving and talking about the tempo of his slow and almost impossible-to-start writing, I realized I misunderstood his heart from the beginning, not just me, but the whole world, and it made me yell at the earth, wanted to burn people, and explode the ground up to the sky and down to the core of this planet. Woooow! I am so sorry! Look what I’ve done to avoid him and running away from him the whole burn. Look what the world had done to such a caring humanist. But when he jokingly talked about “we could have spent the whole burn together, instead, you ran away and only showed up in the very end”, I said “I wasn’t ready!!!” He immediately followed with, “…no, I actually think you came at the exact right time.” I was shocked in silence and I fell into that synced moment. That moment melted my heart. I yelled and he laughed so hard. I was falling in love with this highly conflicted character, the contrast of his people experience, the rawness of his emotion inside his overly misunderstood look. And I was so scared. Everything of him was becoming more and more personal to me as we drove closer to SF.
As peace finally restored back to my body, I thought to myself, I wanted to support him. He lost everything, and I am about to as well, but we both are on our way to restart creatively in an identical way. Our paths were aligning. I wanted to see him again in the world, when he makes progress in his book. He needed my support. Everyone in the world needs it, but I decided I wanted to give to him in this moment.
I finally started to see him now.
Music during the sunset on the drive to SF: https://youtu.be/sKrsE2lBhu4
—He needs to fly—
We laundried clothes in San Rafael in the rhythm of Latin music. We laid coins and spread powder and pushed buttons like percussion, then we left to his friend house for the gear cleaning while he was dancing around the laundry timers with his truck. We were like in a Bollywood movie, dancing singing in chaos, and having so much fun with chores.
Soon we landed in his friend’s San Rafael’s house, I got email the next morning’s hearing lawyer wanted me to send over a long writing summary before end of the day, and sister was MIA in Stanford while I need to figure out if I take an expensive Uber to grab my vehicle to avoid an overnight ticket. I was immediately depressed and stressed. And when he showed me what I needed to clean when we arrived, I said, “…I need to go,” which of course lead him to misunderstand that my sudden attitude change was because the cleaning chore. He sighed and said “of course, I didn’t expect you to clean this much for me.” But… No! I did want to clean, it’s just… what a timing! I wish I didn’t have that EDD hearing other than driving home and being with him. I didn’t even have a laptop. At some point during the wiping, alone, I told myself, Shiyoo, it’s just money! Money doesn’t buy the presence with people! After calling a few sources, I decided to give up on the $11k hearing tomorrow. I also called sister to let her know I am ok risking a parking ticket to exchange extra time for my car pick up, now I finally bought myself time to clean up his burning gears in front of the drive way in dark. I was light, happy, and almost dancing in exhaustion. When he came back, I must looked light again. When he was almost done with the wiping job, just crushing on last bits of miscellaneous small items, I heard him talking back to himself, “ahhh, come, Sean, come on!” He made the most endearing self-talking sound I’ve ever heard from a guy.
We slept in the truck in a parking space in the windiest part of SF. We didn’t have proper bedding anymore, I used my tent, and Fifi, and Pokemon, and my clothes, and kid sleeping bag to create a semi rectangular sleeping area.
Waking up felt homeless, and in a way, ICONIC, that I regret not doing a quick photo shoot for our homeless morning. Chaos felt beautiful and artistic with him, and it was rarely like that with me and people.
He gave me a wooden gavel as a gift. It quickly became my favorite thing. I used it to hammer him when I felt I wanted to explode. What a useful gift!
The truck wash was pure fun! He splashed water in the exterior while I worked on the inside with wipes and singing out loud. So much sounds and movements were in the space and turned me high. He hugged me while I was flying. When we finished the wash, someone showed up with a bag of “cash” walking towards me and I heard him yelling “do you want a bag a cash?!” I extended my arm to receive the cash I deserved, but when he was close up, I saw that it was a bag of cat food instead.
After car wash, we returned U-haul, we were thinking about Waymo to Stanford, and he asked me if Waymo is driverless if we could have sex in it. I said yes! But it turned out Waymo didn’t support the long drive all the way to Stanford. We did a regular uber, and picked my Toyota in Stanford, and dropped off the cat food to my sister in the parking lot that we picked up Toyota. A series of banking and credit card issues flooded into his day. I saw him quickly turned heavy. I chimed in and helped some, and we knocked them down together one by one.
While we were on call for the credit card issues to be resolved over the phone, he caught two guys cutting off a bike lock right in front of us. I called 911 and he described everything in a literacy like a documentary script. I was impressed, and I was also turned on! And I couldn’t tell him that I was turned on by his scripting ability because he wasn’t in a romantic mode anymore. Default world started eating him away.
We clashed about lunch spots and hotel locations. So many variables… My indecisiveness clearly drove him nuts, and I was on the other hand pushed to make decisions at the whole new speed that I didn’t have. We ended up checking into a motel next to Losha’s airport in Redwood City, and we showered in human car wash style 20 mins before the private flight.
That human car wash saved our day. I was inspired! “This is so eco-friendly!” He added, “...how do you save the world? I shower together with other human and save waters!” We both came out so clean, light, and laughed so much again!
Losha welcomed us. At this point, I understood that our relationship was not meant to be public, so I made sure to not touch him in front of Losha, to be polite about it.
I intentionally sit in the back of the flight. I knew he was good at flying by his way of driving, so I wanted him to discover his pilot self. He was very excited as I expected. And his excitement made me proud of myself, and very peaceful too during the flight. I felt very safe while he was flying. I didn’t feel the view was that much worthy, but seeing him fly a plane first time was so worth it.
After we landed, while we were packing up the plane, he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me in front of Losha. It was a strong hug, very real. And it was a another rare moment of my life. I was so used to date guys who wanted to interact only in privacy, that when he hugged me in front of Losha, I was shocked. “Does that mean we are more than friends now?” But I loved it. I was never a person who enjoyed dating in the dark, and I was forced many years to do so. I enjoyed being a same person in and out of all situations, but I rarely had the chance to, and his hug was a milestone for me. It was…refreshing, and healing too. I felt part of me was cured by this hug.
He gave me his jacket, while we sit in front of the airport office with sparkling wine. (His jacket was pleasantly weighted and full of his smell. I enjoyed and remembered viscerally.) It was a lovely wine. I was slightly drunk right away. He must be happy to have me around too. I was loose and arrogant, the way the Build people knew me. Losha must felt slightly jealous of us and was missing Pearl, it was until then I realized Pearl had a thing with Losha. I was so happy and relieved, because right after the Build, Losha clearly had feeling about me, and I was so glad and relieved that he found a better match to enjoy the rest of the burn with.
During the dinner, I touched him, something I never had done on a dinner table while others are around.
When we got out of the restaurant to pack and move stuff to my car, a coin-sized spider showed up on the back of the head cushion on the front passenger seat. (I carried a few palm size spiders last year in a bug birthday party, and I realized spiders are shy creatures, very sensitive.) In my head, this tiny spider was just a shy baby, got trapped in my car. She needed help. He was so scared and it was amusing to me that he didn’t trust me to catch the spider. Then I slowly caught the spider with following his instruction seamlessly, and released it in the bushes. (It wasn’t an accident that I caught the spider. I learned in this burn that I am quite good at point and shoot.) He was still scared, but more relieved. He probably thought I would be so bad at following his instruction and screw up. I laughed in my head that he was on his way to realize this anime-looking-couldn’t-shut-up-all-about-herself-girl was actually a ninja. Or… maybe he didn’t even calculate my success rate at all… he was just really scared of spiders.
Music when we were drinking wine with Losha: https://youtu.be/MZzLANjrqvI
—Clashing, but somehow landed safely—
On our way driving back to the hotel, I asked him if he wants to date me without asking him directly. He was surprised and he sounded unhappy to me all of a sudden. “Wait, you knew this was CASUAL, right?” What people probably don’t understand is, I am always serious about everything, casual is not a word I use.
So I asked him more directly if he wanted to date me. (That was my way of saying I love him. But he didn’t take it as a compliment.) And I got the “no” that I deserved in a quite long form. “You been running away from me the whole burn and I felt what changed and opened you up was the sex and you became attached to me…” I was upset and confused when I heard that, I sounded like a superficial human in his sentence. I said “but the sex was not even that good”, and he was surprised. And I had to suppress my upset and confusion to make him get his points through. It wasn’t just a “no” towards my invitation, it was a screaming towards the misunderstanding that the world held against him, but I took it very personally, and I was bleeding inside. He said my love for him wasn’t love, it was attachment. He said nothing was build between us, yet I had expectations.
Maybe he was right. What I said was terribly full of attachment. Yet still I felt my heart was misunderstood, or I mis-spoke. I simply wanted to say I love him and I didn’t know why the expression triggered him. He sounded more and more distant as we talk, until I lost my mind and not sure what I was talking about. I turned deaf.
We decided to pause the conversation so we could drive back to the hotel safely. And we caught up again sitting in two sides of a bed staring at each others. “We are not COMPATIBLE.” And he almost screamed the word “compatible”. It was not a word even in my dictionary. He described how I interrupted him all the time, and he absolutely HATED it.
Wow, I was already quite exhausted, but that conversation turned his face into a concrete sculpture in front of me, it was like I was on LSD, seeing his face turned hard and icey then stone. The fire was gone, I got a little scared too. I was stoned.
He smoked a lot that night. I said I hated him smoking, he said, but it had nothing to do with you. And he explained the difference between his hate towards my interruption and my hate towards his smoking. The second one has nothing to do with me. But I wanted him to be … “healthy…” and we said the word exact same time.
He told me if he were me, he would not say anything and waited till the attraction was simply not irresistible. Maybe he was right. But that wasn’t me. I am always full of air, and when I needed to explode I needed to just explode. Again, he cared to think in my perspective and situation and I thanked him.
He sensed that I was not doing well, and asked me to say what I had in my mind. I couldn’t find the right word, and eventually, I said … “I felt cold.” He hugged me and said I didn’t meant to make you feel cold. Slowly, his face turned softer back into a human color again. He gained some warmth.
We somehow ended up in the same bed and cuddling into the night with no sex.
…
I woke up feeling not rested, so didn’t he. He said we might have PTSD. What a strong word again.
“I couldn’t find my glasses!” “Oh no, I remember it from the Korean restaurant!” “Me too!” We both panicked. We are very far away from that restaurant. “Wait… it’s right here!” The next second, he pulled the glasses from a box right next to him. “How did that just happen?” I ran into his body again and flied onto him to hug, and we laughed together, then I yelled at the parking lot and he laughed more.
He was speedy packing in the hotel while I was lobbying the front desk in the lobby for extra minutes that I could possibly squeeze for him. I added 1 extra hour, he was relieved, then extra 15 mins. And he finished sooner, like we had an extra 15 mins, so I said “we should have sex!” “Right. Wait… Should we?” Why is he entertaining it back to me like that? It was the cutest thing. Then we joked about we can have sex in Waymo again, and laughed more.
Those laughters softened things a little, but it wasn’t enough. When we were in the brunch restaurant he pointed out me starring into his eyes made him uncomfortable. He smoked more and walked away.
I drove him to Corona Heights, my favorite place in San Francisco. On our way to Corona, we saw the street name Malta close to the end, and it was street name I never noticed, now I do, and would forever not unseen it now. We climbed the Corona Heights, saw entire San Francisco and the Twin Peak covered in cloud, then found spontaneous bathroom by walking into the Randall Museum, and it was my first time too. So many times I’ve been to Randall and even took by several friends, I never noticed Randall Museum. In there, we saw a little Sea Ravioli in a tank, clinging on the glass. What a strange alien got locked on earth! It looked like an old transparent baby, and we felt like we were still in Burning Man. Everything is still psychedelic.
We walked out sun drifted in and out of clouds, the shade of clouds rippled over grass, he smoked again.
He needed clarity, like the one he gave me. But he didn’t get one. I watched him emotionally depleting by this unknown HER and the mystery she left for him in front of Randall in his own smoke. He looked lonely, full of thoughts, and hoping to be somewhere else, or just simply burnt out, exhausted and drained.
Then I took him to Beretta. Another very special place. When we walked out of the car towards the restaurant, he was talking about himself, his feeling towards HER, and I replied “right… that’s why we were not compatible.” “That’s not my point! I was talking about myself!” He was triggered again. And I was stroked and stoned by his words again.
I let him ordered food in Beretta. And the food that he chose was a pleasant surprise. It wasn’t something I would even understood to order. Then we met two people that he talked about Cuba over the bar.
While I was slightly drunk over Rattle Snake, we started to get softer with each others again.
I began to realize why he didn’t understand why I loved him. I didn’t explain it, and he needed an explanation. The way I showed him was indeed full of attachment. But it was simply impossible for me in last night’s situation to explain to him why I love him, not to even convey how deep that love has developed without me properly communicating. I simply long for uncorrupted love and I’ve been patiently waiting in life, and he showed up with it. It was hard for me to not say anything substantial about it.
…
And I now understood why I felt hurt when he said we were not compatible. I’ve dated in the last 5 years the biggest demon in my life that compatibility was something I was willing to work for. I am at a point in my life that I am wild open and the hard part was to know if we have the inspiration, imagination, attraction and potential to have longevity in a lifelong “freeship”, and anything else logistics I was willing to work through. And he felt like someone I can do this with. It didn’t take me long to figure that out. He excites me. So many things, the way he naturally is, make me laugh and high and land and learn and he probably had no idea. And I took them all seriously.
I was ready to receive him and work through the challenges. But my life wasn’t ready. I was so scared to tell him that—being a hostage of a 300M lawsuit for almost 1.5 years and about to lose all the freedom I’ve built for myself. Life is going to be dark after this. How could we even date? It’s not about LA or Malta or Cuba. It’s about freedom or hell! 2025, every month, I was about to lose everything in a different form. Palisades Fire, Death, Lawsuit, Death, Lawsuit, Default… And my life bombs are still striking.
I needed to tell him in a perfect moment that I love him before he leaves to Cuba. His “no” was harsh but honest and relieving. I simply didn’t believe he would want to date me anyway, and I wanted to hear the no to get a closure.
…
But he had an earnest point. I talked too much, and didn’t listen. And when I needed to finally listen to his points, I got hurt, stoned, and shut down, and he still didn’t get to be listened. There might be so much more that he disliked about me already, on top of my communication disaster.
…
Then I started to realize it wasn’t all about me or him or her or us, he simply cared, and also wanted to understand and to be understood as is. But this realization wasn’t helpful at all to get over him, it made me even sadder that he had to leave now as I was falling deeper with his honesty. Why did I fell in love so quickly, and why did I always fall in love with a boy that needed to leave?
…
While all these inner conversations were on, I did felt him closer and realer. I cared, in my natural disaster way, and he cared, in a flying bomb way. We did our best. And I’ve never really had a conversation like this in clashing passion and brutal honesty. It was always the other boy running away from conversations or they couldn’t have the clarity to carry forward.
I thought about Emma Watson and Tom Felton again. Emma fell in love with Tom at a very young age, and Tom responded “I see her as a little sister kinda way” and broke Emma’s heart. The whole internet in the last 20 years was confused and shouted out how Tom missed out such a gorgeous woman. But I really understand Tom why he had to say no to Emma. He is such a conflicted character growing up, playing a bad boy but deeply wanted connection, he had to really reconcile all his character conflicts. The world saw him differently than who he wanted to be. And Emma was the opposite, she was the same in and out of camera. The world received her as she is. She was ready to start a relationship right away with Tom. But Tom wasn’t into her like how Emma was into him. They grew up loving each others.
This was very healing. His “no”, made sense, just like how Tom and Emma couldn’t be together. It hurts, but it was earnest, and I respect his “no”. I wish he is a little crazier and more relaxed. But I also love who he is, it’s him that I love, and it’s also the him that he is not that I love. I love both.
He wasn’t satisfied with the Tom Felton reference. He wanted to be referred to Ryan Gosling. But Ryan Gosling was too basic! He is way more interesting to me than Ryan Gosling because of his conflict! He is original! He is full of inner and outer conflicts, heat, darkness, sarcasm in a very cute and raw way, and…
…
We stayed in the airport as long as possible. My mind finally quiet down. So did his intensity. We wanted the best for each others and also wanted to stay here for much longer. He was still the same person that I knew from the burn, but he was more real to me now, and I was glad to carry his weight more than he knew.
I felt special, and it landed the same time that he felt special about me. And we felt special about us.
It was the hardest thing to leave, for both of us. The single most memorable hug and platonic kiss with a person in an airport. It was long and needed to be that long. I remembered it physically till today. It was warm, and every part of my skin felt respected. We wished we had more time. When he was in the line checking with security, moving further and further away, I started smiling. I wanted to be strong for us, and it made me smile to know that he knew that I see him now.
We did it! We clashed but didn’t crash, somehow landed safely, and our hearts were opened to connection again. What a great start to a lifetime of friendship! Goodbye, my Tomorrow Today.
Music when I stayed in the edge of the line while seeing him moving further away in the airport line, the final goodbye:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zp7NtW_hKJI
—A song of air and fire—
This burn is a song of air and fire. When an air meets a fire, she takes off to the space like a rocket.
It was irresistible for me to love him. He was made to excited me, and I rise, and higher. There might not sound like much logic to it, but there is so much more. Like this long long “song” I just wrote here to remember us.
But there was no time to explain to him. There was literally no time!!! I was air, remember? He was fire. I just took off, like a rocket. And I was flying out of space, before I could even say anything in time, and it was so, so, so, beautiful.
—Final closure song—
—Astrology to relate—