yesterday

Yesterday was long, moody, and memorable.

Ruya hosted a little festival at the farm. It took a great amount of effort for me to show up, but when I arrived, all I wanted to do was decompress.

After a year and a half of not visiting Eden—the farm—it has transformed from a childish, all-friends-making-half-songs-while-planting-nonsense forest into a professionally managed non-profit organization and a real farm. I felt strangely homeless seeing how polished it’s become. I was slightly amazed, but sadder that I had gone off into space and come back having missed the entire show of my best friends farming and living together. Now they’ve mostly matured and journeyed out into the world.

Eclipse was hot and needed shade, so we wiggled into the farmhouse. I sat there staring at how well-put-together everything was. One corner of the house formed a three-sided window cradle, perfectly fitted with floor cushions and rugs that wrapped around the angles, turning it into a cozy, sunny hideaway. I drifted slightly asleep in that cradle. Eclipse wandered the house enthusiastically, then joined me on the cushion. Soon, Sam came in to tell me that dogs weren’t allowed in the farmhouse. We didn’t have all these rules back then. So we left and slept under a tree instead.

I was thinking about you a lot. At some point I was so exhausted from thinking about you that I got mad at myself for overthinking. So I drove home earlier than expected—a vast, open, yet sleepy drive again. I was physically so tired that it felt dangerous even to use self-driving, so I pulled over on the side of a flat road on an open plain before entering the mountain stretch. The moment I stopped the car, my mind filled with you again. I was shaking. So was my car. The passing cars were so fast they shook my car with their wind. I couldn’t fully fall asleep because I was afraid the gusts would flip my car over and I would die like a bird.

I ended up in my bed like a bird too. I was weightless and there was strangely no dream.