alice through (many) looking glasses

yesterday was the first day i grieved for us.

what is there to grieve? i don’t even know how to describe it. i feel this long deep existential halo left in my heart.

i looked at the full moon and howled to the moon. will i survive this full moon. a full eclipse moon.

this morning i woke up around 5am very early morning, by bird sound. and all of a sudden i received it. i knew what is it now.

i collect treasure myself. and i am collected by people who collect people as treasure too.

i felt precious when i am with you. i felt like a treasure in your arm. i felt irreplaceable. and i felt wanted. and i felt your awe.

all these were feelings i haven’t felt in a long long time. it was implanted in the way you touch, kiss. and it felt very organic. it was such a gift and i am still in awe with those moments.

so of course i am quite sad that i can’t feel it again in reality anymore.

and the mean time i am happy that i figured out that’s what i am grieving about us too. it’s not the only thing that i grieve. but it’s a start of a journey of the grief.

when i got up today, i felt like alice waking up in a long dream. alice through many looking glasses. to be exact. she fell into a rabbit hole, and she went on an adventure with a magic boy in a kingdom of his own creation of color and light. she fought and stood up. and she woke up with the tingling feeling of his warmth in her palms still.

what a cinematic dream.