how is my heart?

ptsd

whenever i revisited in my head, the scenes i went through in the last 4 months of 2025, i was experiencing explosive panic attacks, my mind went blank and i was shaking. i had to shut them off.

so there was one early morning, in bed, i decided, i am going to just hold for 90 sec. so i allowed myself to go through a micro dose of those scenes and i ended up releasing so many physical pain and gas in my body. it lasted not 90 sec but probably 10 mins. now i can think of those scenes and not getting a massive heart attack anymore. a small heart attack is what i get now. it made driving safe. this is self-help solving my first step of my PTSD before i get a professional. still grieving so much, but a baby step.

depressive episode

baby step is not good enough anymore. time is up.

and next, i am depressed. because after processing the ptsd, i created a hollow in my heart. my confidence shattered from 10 (when you met me) to 0 and i question every little movements and i take forever to do simple things. my confidence needs to be rebuilt. a few friends who went through similar huge fail told me a few months / half year later i should be at 4. it’s just an episode right? why do i feel like it would last quite a long time? i expected the world to fail that’s why i wanted to be a musician. growing forever is not healthy for a society. a tree will mature, instead of growing forever.

stuck

i am in solitude most of the time. i have a few friends who i feel safe right now to call and express and they are mildly helpful.

i feel stuck and i’ve learned that it’s quite human to feel stuck.

swim

i used to not analyze my life when i had my high. i thought i disassociated with my high and i told people that. and i did feel good cuz i had no real problem. now more than ever, i need to permanently stop analyze my life when i am in my low. i need to move forward like i have short-term memory loss. like Dori!

just keep swimming~just keep swimming~

but how?

world

we are microbes in the world. the world is doing so bad. and we are just in it, like a pebble, like an ant. we thought we were safe and secure but we were never.

we are pebbles in bubbles. and things can just pop left and right.

mirror

i got scared when thinking about voicing these to you. or most of the friends. i got scared to voice that i am doing so bad and will be for a while.

so what do i do?

i was thinking what would i do, if you come to me, with vulnerability, sadness, feeling stuck, dark, hopeless, depression. i would be grateful for the sharing. cuz that means you are comfortable with me, and you trust me. and i would be so honored for the trust.

because like you said, you are so real. and i only want you to be as real as you are in every moment.

and i wish i learn to do the same.