The movie we were in.

This is a movie about him and dust. Dust felt just like the energy of life. It was ever-changing, so much hide-and-seek. For a second, it was a whole piece, but the next second, it disappeared into nothingness. It’s all real but temporary.

—The first part of the movie, he was not in it at all, and there was barely any dust—

In the midst of the sandstorm, I was trying to find a home. “What is home?” I received this question soon after I entered my second burn, as I felt homeless while building an even more sophisticated camp structure, Motel California, than last year’s camp, Paper Crane.

I visited Paper Crane right after the Motel build week ended. I saw Olivia in a red dress, looking like Frida Kahlo. She was so beautiful to me. As always, she was detailed and elegant, and she moved my heart as she glided into the kitchen.

Then, I competed in the Paper Crane folding competition. I won the bronze medal without cheating. I was annoyed because the other two guys who won gold and silver were already much taller than me, but I had to take a group photo with them—I stood on the ground, and they stood on two separate steps of a step stool—to represent the result of the competition.

Rachel and Chris from Motel Camp shared their relationship journey. They said their non-serious hookup turned into something serious right after their first date. I was very happy for them. They were simply great together; they vibed the same.

I was the only one with an e-bike this year at camp. My campmate, Kanguroo, constantly asked to borrow my bike for the convenience of moving things around the playa during the build. I hesitated because I knew they were less meticulous than I was, but I let them use it anyway. As expected, a small thing of the bike was broken every time it was returned. I was bothered by it, and I was bothered by the fact that I was bothered by these little things.

On Monday night, I saw a drone show above the Motel’s roof. It was far away, but I could clearly spot a small drone that got lost and couldn’t return to the group. While the rest of the group was making a heart shape, it was that missing piece, wandering alone in the night sky, but it seemed to be having so much fun.

Then I walked to the man alone without a bike. I met a guy named Andy at the top of the man base. I shared my love for art cars with him and how much I wanted to create one next year. Then I walked to Luna—one of my favorite art cars that I discovered online this year. Luna was parked next to a lit-up sparkle pony art piece. A sandstorm arrived, and Luna was shooting dreamy laser lights into the dust.

On Tuesday, I gave people facials. I have been given facials to my mom since I was little. I had no training; it was a daughter’s facial. I touched people’s faces and saw them immediately quiet down and sink into a space of awe and divine. Andy also came. He almost cried during my facial on him.

Wednesday afternoon, Motel had a big matchmaking event. Hundreds of people signed up and were separated into seven-color groups with matching colored bracelets. I was the green bracelet team lead. There were no central planning and direction. I had to direct people and help out with coordination. I came up with a game of ten questions, and people chose a side. One of the questions was, “Would you rather be able to control the weather or be able to control gravity?” I picked weather instead of gravity.

Wednesday night, my camp went to Thunderdome to see Ben and Pranay’s fight. I lost the rest of the group, and almost cried on the street, but I was too dehydrated to have a drop of tears come out. I felt homeless again. When I came back, Aaron showed me the fighting video. Pranay also joined the mini-watch party and did a voice-over which made me feel a lot better about the fomo.

Thursday night, I met a bear-like guy who gifted me a flute. Then, we walked to the Lotus Art, and I shared a lotus pedal with him. The Lotus was a giant vibrating art piece that two people could cuddle on one of the five lotus pedals while having a meditative headphone experience. The vibration, light around the pedals, were synced with the voice or music from the headphone. We didn’t hug or touch with hand at all but just cuddled together to share the pedal space. Then after we left the pedal, he started to touch my back gently while we were walking towards the temple, I didn’t engage his touch. Then I saw the crab car—my favorite art car on playa! I was immediately turned on, abandoned him to chase the crab car. I didn’t even tell him that I abandoned him.

I had a wonderful time in the crab car and felt home. The crab car founder recognized me and called me “the girl who always tried to jump on when they passed by last year.”

I received the answer while on the crab car—home is, inspiration. The crab car deeply inspired me, and Paper Crane’s 2023 campmates also deeply inspired me.

Friday, Seth surprised me at my tent with a passionate kiss while I was organizing stuff. He asked me to share an adventure with him and I said yes. We ran away together. We toured a few art pieces, and he directed us under a giant unicorn bubble art. It was only us, and the unicorn completely protected us. Nobody could see us. As he was getting more sexual with me, he asked what I was feeling. I said—nothing. He was shocked and stopped. I told him I hadn’t felt romantic or sexual in a long, long time. He backed up. I was weirdly grateful for this moment and proud of myself for voicing it. We cuddled on the Lotus pedal afterwards. It was day time. There was still voice from the headphones, but no vibration or light effect this time. I could see the landscape of the playa so clearly. The mountain in red, blue sky that also looked dry. We were on Earth for sure, but it felt like Mars. I shared with Seth how sad I was seeing the world getting even more advanced, but everyone mentally was more down. I shared with him how much I was inspired by having a massive space around me.

For so many years, I felt our friendship was confusing to me, and it slowly pushed me away from him. But this time, I felt the first time we shared a real friendship moment together. It was lovely and refreshing.

—The second part of the movie was all about him, and dust—

I noticed him on the Zoom call. He didn’t talk much, but his voice was already piercing through low quality video, stood out to me that he was a strong and persuasive human. Very sharp, very intentional, deep energy.

Build week Sunday daytime. I noticed his inventory right after arrival: Korean ramen cups and farm-fresh fruit boxes color-coordinated like an art piece. Even the storage box and the fruit box had a unique touch. I found him setting up his tent and told him, “I liked you already. I am very fast with people. I am a witch.” He replied, “I noticed you already on Zoom. It doesn’t take much to know someone…” “I also sometimes felt like I was not a human.” Then he said, “Would you like to go to the foam camp with me?” It is a camp where you share a giant foaming shower with around 80 people all naked in a container. He invited me firmly without moving his head or blinking, straightly staring into my eyes. The idea sounded disgusting and intriguing. I said, “yes” right away.

Build week, Sunday night. I asked everyone in the camp to share their fantasies. Some people talked about retirement or dragon, but the two of us almost shared the exact same thing. I said I want to be able to see people’s thoughts on top of their heads so I could walk to them and connect with them at an extreme speed. He said that in the last few years, he had accumulated so much friendship and wanted to continue accumulating more. We both craved connections.

Still build week, Sunday night, after dinner, New Year's Eve party at Motel. I was at the party, and I saw him wearing a giant mushroom hat walking out of the Motel structure holding a white girl’s hand. Next morning, two other white girls (that I am very sure I will never be friends with) stopped by my camp and asked for him. I pointed his tent for them. They walked to his tent, zipped it open, and entered.

Wednesday afternoon was Motel’s biggest day. We had the huge coconut oil wrestling game, followed by the giant match-making party. We had hundreds of people show up, but our camp was only around 30 people to support such a big event. All campmates were hands-on volunteering; we were tired and burnt out at the end of two back-to-back events. He was the lead cook in the kitchen that night. I walked into the kitchen, seeing him playing jazz music, dancing with a realistic-looking fake mustache sticker while occasionally directing Sawa and Ash in hand-making pasta on an Italian hand-rolling machine. The pasta machine was stainless steel and shiny. He told me I also needed to put a mustache sticker on my face. I did, and he laughed.

The camp dinner table was decorated by him with a red and white tablecloth, candles, and flowers. It suddenly felt like a dinner table at a European countryside little inn. After dinner, while everyone was till sitting, he said, “We won’t share a lot of meals like this in our lives, so we might just do it well.” Then, he presented caviar and fine wine as dessert. Everyone was screaming. For the vegan people, he offered his mother’s pickle green bean. It was my first time having caviar, so I had it. But then I was curious about the pickle, so I also asked for one. It was so good. I asked for another pickle; he said, “No, I don’t have a lot left.”

On Thursday, I asked him when we could hang out together. He said Friday he needed to be with friends and gave me his Saturday.

Saturday daytime. Motel was on strike. We had a free time window in the afternoon before dinner and man burn. I said, “Let’s walk and talk around the block.” In that talk, we connected over what was missing from Motel. I said the people felt like who I would have discovered from the default world, not burners. He said that would be how I describe it, too. He said, “did you find anyone that you connected this year in our camp.” I said, “actually, you.” He smiled. He shared with me his calling and what was missing in his city. And he shared with me what his life was like. That talk was long, but it flowed and felt short, and I wasn’t surprised by how aligned our thoughts were and how detailed we both saw the world. It was an apparent deep connection.

Then we walked to his friend's camp, and crawled straight into his friend’s Hexayurt. He laid on his friend’s bed cuddling his female friend, and asked me to join him. I hesitated for a second, then joined them. I cuddled next to him while he also cuddled next to her. He told me he and her had knew each other from high school.

I was gently touched by his hand. Those touches felt so intimate and strangely romantic. For a long, long time, I wasn’t feeling romantic or intimate with anyone anymore, and I thought I had lost it forever, but it came back the moment he touched me. We were with another person, the tent smelt terrible, and all that was confusing as well. When we walked out, I was filled with love and thanked him. I said, “You are such a divine being of intimacy.” He thanked me.

We walked back to the camp, stopped before we entered the borderline, took everything we were carrying off our bodies to the ground, and hugged each other like twins. My body sank into his like a bed. It was one of the best hugs I had received in my life—and could really just be the best one. I looked into his eyes and probably looked a little drunk, and said, “I missed you already.”

Before dinner, he walked out of the shower towards me to hug me. He was still wet on his body with his shirt open, I laughed and closed his shirt and hugged him. I found it quite romantic that I closed his shirt. I could feel I was slowly falling in love with him.

Man burn was about to begin. We started walking together toward the Man. We noticed we were wearing matching silver pants and flowy tops. His pants were reflective, mine were shinny kids’ ones. We both are skinny, fit and short, and we must have looked like fairy siblings from far away.

We walked to the Man talking in a deeper level of intimacy. There were a magnetic field between us, and we didn’t have to explain or talk much, things just made sense in our brains. It was so beautiful to talk this way, like I wasn’t breathing for a long time and I was breathing again in our conversation. When we arrived at the Man, I set up my basket in the first row, put my neon sun next to a light pole, and walked to the porta potty. When I was back, I realized the mistake. Christina sat next to him. They were in the second row, and he was holding her hand. They were happily chatting. I was on the front row, like always, how much I would like to be at the front. Being small meant I had to take care of so many logistics of my life, and I couldn’t stand not being in the front row for a show. But he was out of reach of me and seemed so far away right away, like the longest distance in the world.

In the midst of everything, I saw the crab car. I wished I could just walk up to the crab car, and cry in front of them, and maybe he would have noticed my missing and how upset I was. But I didn’t. I stared at the crab car for a moment and asked myself to be strong. I missed the other Motel campmates too. They were having so much fun, but I was sitting alone in isolation. I was so lonely. I tried to cuddle Lady Jess, who was right behind me, but it didn’t make me feel any better. Her touch wasn’t helping. All I wanted was to be next to him and being touched by him.

Then I saw Lori come and hug Kanguroo. They hugged like high school friends. It inspired me and made me realize I could move around, too—I am an animal, not a plant. So I walked up to Doggie and Jackie, and hugged them. I love them so much, and it did make me feel better when I touched them. They have been like my camp grandparents since day one. I was so happy that I got to know them. I almost cried at that moment.

After finishing with them, I walked towards and stopped beside him. I gathered all the courage, squatted, and asked, “How are you?” “Can I sit next to you?” He said, “Yes! Of course!”

I grabbed my bag and sat next to him on the right side. Christina was on the left. He hugged me with his arm but he was still talking to Christina. I didn’t feel the need to talk to him. I knew him without him talking to me in words. Our thoughts were connected. Very soon, I found both of his hands were only on me. He hugged me and put one of his hands behind my cape. His touch was, again, divine. I felt home again. Like it was the only touch I needed in my life. I rested my head on his shoulder, and he was there for me, too.

Right before the Man burn fireworks started, I asked if I could sit in between his legs. He said, “Yes.” He hugged me fully with both of his arms. I was filled, and I felt so warm and safe. I didn’t have the courage to look at Christina’s eye. I thought she must be shocked internally because I had stole her moments. But I had to act. “I am so sorry, Christina.” I said in my head.

He had a black tassel cape over his naked body, and his tassel was touching my body, and he apologized for the touch. I said, “Please don’t apologize; they are like how you feel.”

The Man's fireworks opened both of our hearts even more. It was just as last year, stunning, and moved us emotionally forward. I held him tight while he grabbed me under my arms, and I could feel our ebb and flow in synchronicity.

As the fireworks progressed, I couldn’t hold my feelings anymore. I was in love. I turned my head around and said, “I want to kiss you.” He didn’t answer, and kissed me. It was the single most memorable kiss of my life. There was nothing, nothing, imperfect about it. It was soft, passionate, intimate, vulnerable, synchronized, and everything that wasn’t needed to say, and it felt absolutely meant to be. We were surrounded by excitement, beauty, fireworks, fire, friends, art, music, and the gift of the universe. We were in, and we were, divine.

The fireworks show (half an hour of nonstop amazement) ended with an explosion that marked the starting of Man's burn. I heard Christina grabbing him and said, “I am so happy I am sharing this with you.” It was a relief for me to hear that from her. I was so worried about her. Her laugh also felt strange. I never saw her laughing like that. She had always been a reserved and slighly awkward person.

As Man transited from fireworks to fire, Motel campmates all stood up and hugged each others one-on-one. I hugged and jumped on almost everyone like a baby koala. I told Jackie that this was like a wedding, not a birthday—a wedding. I felt loved by everyone. I was touched by the words they shared about me, and I was touched by how everyone had been seeing me without talking back to me this whole time. The most memorable one was Tuna’s, she said, “Thank you for being always so present.” Yes, it is the one and only way I want to be. Thank you, Tuna.

After appreciating everyone we wanted to connect with, he said, “Shall we?” He took my hand, and we disappeared from the rest of the Motel group. As we walked further, I asked, “Is Christina on drugs?” He said, “Yes.” I felt even more relieved from the guilt that I had stolen her moment. She must had a great time.

I was taking him towards the Temple. When we passed by at 6 o’clock facing the Temple, he surprised me with another passionate kiss. He shook me, grabbed my face and body, and started to kiss me.

This one, very soon, became the even more memorable kiss of my life, even more than the previous one. I felt I was held and wanted completely. It was another perfect kiss. We both sank into the kiss as if we both belonged in it. I felt like we kissed for a whole century. He was a relatively small human, but I felt so much energy from him. I was so shocked and inspired. It was the softest yet most emotional kiss I have ever received. It was just perfect.

We walked to the Temple together. We kissed again when we left Temple, until someone shined a vehicle light on us to stop us because we were blocking their car.

Then we arrived at the Lotus Petal. The third time I went to it during this burn. We shared a petal. Between our kisses, I heard Bjork in the headphones singing, “All around is love, all around is love…” The creator of Lotus must be proud of us. We used the Lotus as it was designed, in the best possible way. We were surrounded by each other’s gentleness and love, and the love of Burning Man. The voice of the headphones, the light, and the vibration, all reminded us of the same thing.

After a long long time, we left, and walked back to our camp, into his shiftpod. His shiftpod was so clean. Even after one week of the burn, there were barely dust (in such a big living space), and the bedding was still crisp. It was his touch all around the space.

When I was under him, he grabbed my head, and we moved forward together. I was floating in his arms like a flower on a boat. It was just the right amount of holding strength that I didn’t feel any force, or any gravity. It wasn’t sex, but we were sharing the ultimate intimacy together for a long, long time in his bed. It was better than sex. I was just floating with him. There were no gravity. I felt perfect.

I said, “You know, I am actually a better cook.” He said, “Wow…” I laughed, and said, “you must have never gotten that before.” He said, “no, I have never got that before… You haven’t even eaten my food. Let’s see, you had some noodles, and pesto I made two weeks ago…” I laughed.

He had a fluffy pillow underneath his fluffy hair. I was trying to grab his head, but I kept mistakenly grabbing his pillow, and I was annoyed. I started laughing, and he laughed too, and said, “That was pretty funny.”

He fell asleep quickly. I was cold, even with layers of his bedding. Loud music was all around us. And couldn’t sleep the whole night. It was also a precious night. I was not bothered by the fact that I was awake; in fact, I preferred it. I wanted to be awake and remember.

The next morning, he quickly got up, and prepped to leave. I asked to exchange his matchmaking bracelet with him. That was a hint that I wanted to get to know him more. He kissed me while I was on my way to the porta-potty and he was on his way back to the camp from porta, and we exchanged bracelets. He had a white one. I said white actually looked better on me. Mine was green, and it definitely looked better on him.

I last talked to him when I was on my way to check with Aric about logistics. He said, “I will see you before I leave.” And when I came back from Aric, I saw him loading the car, so I didn’t bother him while he was loading. I went to my tent instead.

His carpool friend came by my tent and said goodbye to me. I waited a little bit more, and I realized he had left without coming to find me.

I thought maybe he thought I hadn’t come back from my errand.

After he left, I took down my tent, and Motel also took down the shade structure. We were suddenly exposed to savage sunlight, slowly dying, and my energy was quickly drained from not having enough sleep the night before. I stroked a bit, swept a bit, mooped a bit, but mostly I was feeling homeless and sleepy, cold and sun-burnt, and holding myself physically while still processing all the emotional turmoil I had from last night. I was dying and confused.

In between all the strikes, I went back and forth to Aric to coordinate the rest of the loading and came back to help Motel with mooping.

…

Sandstorm arrived. I was homeless again. It was a strong physical insecurity, but I felt it emotionally too. I felt sad that he didn’t come to say goodbye to me in my tent. I sensed something went wrong already.

The Temple was about to burn. I walked with Kanguroo to the Temple, just the two of us. The rest of the Motel campmates didn’t regroup with us like last night, so after I sat down, I went up a few times to check where the Motel people were. But I couldn’t find them. I settled back next to Kanguroo. We talked about how beautiful the Luna art car was, shining next to the Temple.

The Temple burn started unexpectedly. I didn’t see a Temple burn last year, so it was my first temple burn. The start felt too quick. A sandstorm also arrived, and took over the playa without any warning.

It was the quietest, most massive fire I had ever seen in my life. The Temple flame was hiding in and out of the sandstorm. The sand was creating a continuous orange cloud around and above the Temple, and connecting it all the way to the sky, enveloping everyone in silence. I saw people’s faces. We all looked vulnerable and contemplative. We all looked lovable and sad. We all looked like we were watching Titanic sinking in real time. We all looked like we were in a movie. We looked so believable.

Occasionally, a voice came out of the crowd: a short and sudden crying, or a piercing slogan of protest, or a howl to the moon…

In the midst of the sandstorm, I heard a Ukulele playing, a light-hearted instrumental music in a dark and gloomy scene, and it matched a scene of a movie I knew from the past energetically—in the movie, it was this moment when someone was about to be gone from a relationship, and they shared this final sweetness in temporary. I wished he were there with me. I wished we were dust. He was not here anymore and I felt something missing from my life.

As the Temple was burning, I hit me that We were over. I grieved. The Temple is for death. This year’s Temple is called the Temple of Together. We burnt the Temple to release that grief. But where would my grief go if I had no Temple to grieve it anymore? Temple was burning away as I was grieving, and I had no place to release it anymore.

It was the single most cinematic moment of my life: The sand, the dust, the Temple, the smoke, the cloud, the sky, the Luna art car hiding in the right corner, people’s pious faces, the orange shine from the flame on everyone’s shoulder, my love story, my gone lover, my attachment to his touch, my fantasy that we might share a life together, my movie, my life…

My heart wanted to explode and vanish at the same time. It was too intense that my mind went blank, and it was all too beautiful too.

When we returned to the gone Motel (strike was done), the sandstorm got even more violent. It was a white out in the total darkness. My carpool mates were already packed. We quickly sneaked into the van and drove away. I didn’t have any time to process Temple burn and we were already at the exit, out and on our way back to the default world.

The Temple burn was over, and my second Burning Man was over. We, were over.

—The movie we were in—

I kept looking for the movie we were in. I thought it was Peter Pan (he looked like a grown-up version of him), but it hit me this morning we were in, Her.

He was so easy to connect with, and I was so in love with him without knowing who he was. He was capable of being intimate with anyone, and it made his love so real, and unreal, at the same time. He felt to me that he was almost in love with anyone, and no one, at the same time. It was all so confusing, but it felt so right, at the same time.

And I never saw him again since then. His existence burnt with the Temple and he became sand. He was perfect, and he perfectly vanished into sand.

The ukulele played in the last scene of Temple burn, just like the movie, Her. I didn’t know why he had to leave, but I only knew he had to leave regardless.

In the last part of Her, Theodore and Amy went to the rooftop. Amy said, “We are only here briefly, and in this moment I want to allow myself joy.” It was echoing with what he said on the Wednesday dinner.

He was just like Her. And I was Theodore. I never loved anyone the same way like I loved Him. And yes, it was all, indeed, temporary.