very human

“how are u? how is your day?”

i feel very human.

i had a courageous and fearful time.

i feel pressured sometimes to say something peachy. and the truth is that this year has been so scary and i was in deep fear majority of the time worrying about losing everything i worked so hard for. and on the other hand, i was faithful to the story that i am going to make it because that’s my destiny each time.

i never fuck off or become insane. i did well, my decision making and chess playing were top notch. i saved myself and saved lives, but never was i resting in peace until i finished each fight with climatic momentum.

“courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear.”

and i was very much fighting and forwarding with fear and courage co-exist at the same time. and i wish i can cry, i just didn’t have much time to digest what i was going through after each fight. and i had no space to feel proud after.

and you arrived. very unexpectedly.

please forgive me for being so unwell.

please help me bear the anxiety of both separation and being cared for.