Your dad is an octopus.
a Float…
It started with me asking Caleb, “have you found love yet?” Caleb is a friend my I met in 2018. He drove a $2000 camper van across the country and lived a slow life. He has a magnetic space around him that makes conversations very deep. I don’t talk to him often. The last time I checked his Instagram, he had a woman in it… with a baby. Now those two are gone; it’s only art he made. One is on a recycled wood board, a squid with human-like deep-looking eyes and arms holding a fan shell with a pearl inside. He said, “to answer your question, I have found love in my beautiful son, yes. His mother and I separated close to two years ago.”
On Saturday, Khrishna texted, “Shiyu, do you want to go to a drag ball tonight?” Khrishna is my producer friend. She fostered her niece right after Covid started and gave up her dream life in LA to raise this kid with her mom in Oakland. I answered, “I have to Google what that is!” That means yes. In the afternoon, I drove a shaking Turo across towns to fetch my sister from Claremont back to LA, and the usual two hours of driving ended up taking the whole afternoon. I was planning on returning to my mountain home, changing, doing my makeup, and driving to Hollywood after. But apparently, there was no time for these. I ended up driving directly to Hollywood and waiting for her inside a Sweetgreen. When she arrived, she scanned through me and said, “let’s give you a makeover.” She pulled me to the trunk of her car, flipped through her wardrobe, and handed me a fur coat. The ball was very stimulating yet confusing. I fainted twice. It was a lot of energy, and a lot of noise. In the middle of the show, the ball founder came out, everyone was screaming. She yelled, “it is like… taking another mother’s child and making a home for them!” And she repeated it three times. When we left, Khrishna echoed with that line and said “it was literally my experience for the last three years, because I had to raise a child that’s not mine.”
Seth texted me about his new obsession with Baltic finish sauna culture. He said, “the best saunas are on the Baltic sea. In the winter, you sit in the sauna until you can’t take it anymore, then you walk outside. The air feels like the coldest thing you’ve ever felt. Then you jump into the Baltic sea! You get out, and the air feels warm! You typically do this 3 times and the feeling afterwards is just incredible.” I said, “you reminded me of My Octopus Teacher.” He said, “What did you take from that movie? What did it mean to you?” I said, “it helped me understand my ASD friend. I don’t think of them like human anymore, I think of them as octopus.”
Friday, I gave my startup neighbor friend Rafael a persimmon from farmer’s market. He said, “so nice.” I said, “let’s go.” He said, “I can’t; my wife will get jealous when another woman is there.” I said, “then go with your wife and kid!” Sunday morning, I ran into him in the exact spot I picked those persimmons for him and he was tasting persimmons from the same basket I picked him last week. He looked sad and tired.
Sunday night, I invited Hao, my high school mate to my home for dinner. He said he wanted to date an Indian girl who has a kid, but he is afraid of dating someone with a kid. Hao’s worst scare is octopus. I used to scare him in aquarium gift shop with octopus stuff animal.
Sunday night, I had a dream. I had a daughter with Antonio. I was a single mom. I asked Antonio to make a baby with me. I said, “I am ok being a single mom, I want the memory of you.” When the daughter is 4 years old, she was cuddling with me and asking, “mom, why don’t I have a dad?” I said, “your dad is not a human… he is an octopus.” She looked sad and surprised. I said, “but I had two dads in my life, so I saved one for you. You do have a dad. It’s just in my body.” Then she looked relieved.
I woke up immediately and cried so much.
It was like a rain in the early morning.
