The lesson.

I am still processing Envision. It was a lot. I am so glad I did it and will probably never do it again.

It was intentionally dropped as a trip right after China to raise my energy, unlock my potential in performing art, and make friends. It went divinely as intended without planning.

Miguel

Miguel was a gift. We both were grateful right after meeting that we were in LA. He looks like Ryland and reminds me of Brent (the vocal Brent). He talks too much, but I can listen to his monologue forever. Every day, one of the biggest little excitements was running into him in different setups—VIP areas, the beach, or the dance stages. He was my energy ball. I was feeling home next to him, listening to his talk. Sometimes, it could be a bit too much talk, but it was usually just pleasantly fine. Almost all the time, I was loosely looking for him in the open air, expecting to run into him because we did at this time and location, and when he was not there, I missed him a little.

Caleb

Caleb was an angel, a happy warrior. I immediately recognized him in the crowd. and I was immediately happy. He had just positive energy, nothing else. His long hair was a waterfall portal; inside is his hidden necklace. I remember how he smelled—so fresh, so simple, yet so floral. He reminded me of the wolf. We could spend the rest of our lives howling to the moon and feel completely fulfilled with nothing else being done.

VIP and Ninja

I got VIP by mistake from the front desk admission. They asked if I was a VIP, and I saw on the banner that VIP and theme camp were together, so I thought it was the same thing. I said yes, so they gave me a VIP bracelet. Then, when I saw Kelsey and Mateo didn’t have it, I was so upset that I offered to look after the luggage and have them fight for it. They returned empty-handed and told me the front desk made a mistake on my bracelet. So here I am, VIP the entire Envision; it changed everything.

My tent was just next to El Circo and was too noisy to sleep in. Even with great earplugs, the vibration could wake me up all night. I waited until the stage quieted down the first four nights and went to sleep. Starting Thursday, I couldn’t do it anymore. The stage closed at 4 a.m. and sometimes went 30 minutes into 430 a.m., and I needed to sleep around 1 a.m. I started looking for alternatives.

I planned to look into empty tents in La Sombre. Tracia helped me find a few, but I got ambitious and went wild—checking out cabanas.

I found the No.97 cabana, the most expensive suite, open. It was a love suite with a gauze-curtained love seat area downstairs and a nice high bamboo room upstairs. I slept in it on Thursday. It was not a secure feeling. It was too close to the lounge area. I heard and saw people passing by and thought I would be caught alive. The next day, I ran into Miguel and showed him around. He said it was “too good,” seeing I lived the “high life.” Later in the day, I returned to lock the cabana and found it was locked. I checked again in the afternoon, and they even tightened the stairs with fabric.

I didn’t give up. I found all the empty cabanas were locked with a specific red lock, and so did No.97. I started looking at which cabana I should stay in. I saw No.23 in the corner end with a little patio. I waited patiently till sunset, and while no one was looking, I quickly tested the lock and broke the code 192. It took about less than 5 minutes.

No.23 felt like mine. I slept like a baby. The next morning, I picked up the dead bugs from the bed, made the bed, and emptied the room nicer than when I came in. Left no trace. On Saturday night, I also slept in No.23 with Ray from 3 a.m. to 1 p.m. And this time, I didn’t empty it. On Sunday night, I also slept there.

When I talked to people about it (proudly), they were all entertained that I was a ninja in a girl's body.

The Lesson I needed

I struggle with producing my music. It was not the same struggle as writing; I couldn’t stand sitting in front of the computer and flowing my production. I need a producer.

But who would be my producer if I didn’t have much experience as a musician? Also, why would the world want to see me on stage?

I thought Momentum was the answer, so I picked Momentum to camp within Envision.

Saturday night, Wes fed me with LSD. The first real one I had. (The previous one in Burning Man didn’t count, as I didn’t experience a trip.) He wanted to feed me a whole one, I asked for a half.

I felt thirsty and slightly stomach uncomfortable. Then I was seemingly out of nowhere pissed by the crowd. They were stepping on our bags, throwing up, and pooping on the ring of the Porta Potty. It was disgusting. I was also over-sensitized by the sound from Luna. I hate people. I also couldn’t stand loud music.

It was a long walk. I returned to my tent to look for earplugs, but they were not working, so I went back again for my Airpods. Another long walk, feeling threatened by all the beings along the way. The way they act to this land, to the mothers. I stayed in Momentum for a bit; testing out how to use Airpods on LSD took way too long, yet I also enjoyed so much how hard it was for me to figure things out. I was happier being a dumber version of myself. Mateo and Kelsey were with me. I told them I hated everything. They said, “No, think about love.” So I thought about them. There was nothing so far between them and me, and that was not pleasant. Then I became happy.

Mateo and Kelsey dressed in circus crowns duet and took me to the village stage. Ayla Nereo was playing. Everything she said made sense to me. But it wasn’t because she was epic; she was just okay. I was so high on LSD that my brain wanted to make sense of her. It was an extraordinary experience realizing that. Everything she said wasn’t original enough to be worth my sober brain to remember, but the whole world is a liquid piece for me now, so my brain made sense of her instead. I was imagining how everyone was experiencing the same while on LSD, and it wowed me why some people were so big. Now, it all made sense because of the amplification coming out of drugs and mesmerizing stage productions. If taken those away, they were just above-average beings instead of prodigies.

I ordered fish tacos for the group, gladly paid the bill for everyone, and walked away. I usually overthink about bills, but I was so natural at paying that bill that it left a memory in my journey. I expected that the tacos would have been the greatest thing ever and bragged about them to everyone, but only to find out the quality had decreased dramatically.

We walked to Sol Stage and saw Moontrick. It was now fun seeing all the visuals come alive on the stage. The stage itself was its moving piece dancing back to me. I thought about how I should be on the stage, too. The reason why people were obsessed with me over the last few days began to make sense to me now. Yes, they should be obsessed with me because I am rare and fantastic. I felt it. And I realize the world will want to respond to me because it only makes sense to put someone like me on a bigger stage… I deserve to be amplified for humanity. I would have my producer because they would need my energy. Everything made sense. People would listen to my voice forever.

This is it. This is the lesson.

Ray

Ray joked to me earlier today, “Sorry, Shiyoo, you do not blend in!” This was a conversation in which we told people I always lost her, but she always found me.

But here I am, on LSD for the first time, pleasantly surprised yet not surprised to spot Ray in the village. She was with Marissa. I quickly clung to her and soon forgot about Mateo and Kelsey. I walked away from them while I told them I would wait for them a moment ago. (Big apology for losing my integrity!)

I am with Ray now. I wanted to share my whole being and my lesson. I needed to be heard so badly. She resonated with me every other breath. We synced about how confusing it was for me to be at Envision: the waste, the hate, and the people throwing up. I couldn’t unsee them. Yet it was lovely to run into people and find so many beauties in the trash.

I told her my lesson. I said “I understand why the world was obsessed with me, because it needs me; because I am awesome.” She said, “Say it! Say it out loud!” Marrisa also said at precisely the same time, “Say it out loud!” I yelled, “…Because I am freaking awesome!” Marissa laughed out loud like a mama budda. It felt almost like they were from a different humanity club that knew all these secrets that I’d yet to learn.

My arm never left Ray’s arm while we were intertwining and wandering different places at Envision, talking about my LSD trip while I was on it.

Marissa quickly left us, so it was just me and Ray.

When I told her, “I should be on the stage.” She said, “I should be able to choose who has the integrity to be on stage, not them.”

I told her I was falling in love with Caleb a little bit. She said, “That’s cute.” It was exactly how I would imagine her replying.

We floated into La Sombre, and then I toured her my cabana No.23. We had a deep spiritual conversation about how to get things from her tent, then to the bathroom, shower, and go to bed.

We floated together into Casa de la Luz, then into the GA camping area, where I saw her hammock. I was amused by how simple of a structure yet disorganized her hammock was. I laughed from my heart, and the stars opened them up to me. We were so present that it felt like my first time seeing so many stars when I was 13-year-old.

I told her I lost my Dr.Bronner, and because it’s a 18-in-1 soap, now 18 things fucked up. She laughed so hard.

We had so much joy of missing out when we were together. We happily skipped all the DJs and just went straight to bedtime routine. We shared soap in showers, and we brushed our teeth together.

While we were brushing our teeth, we were still talking, and the brushing sounds were syncing into each other, almost like we were brushing each other’s teeth. Then I told her, “when we both knew we were going to be at Envision, I wondered if we would have a moment together, and here is our moment!” She echoed with a giant smile, and we both repeated and nodded, “This is our moment.” “This is our moment.”

We swam into bed together. She made the mosquito nest more comfortable than my doing. Sleeping beside her was heavenly natural, and I almost felt we would grow old like this. I was not hot or cold, just nicely warmed, and slept till 1 p.m. the next day.