yesterday

Yesterday was long, moody, and memorable.

Ruya hosted a little festival at the farm. It took a great amount of effort for me to show up, but when I arrived, all I wanted to do was decompress.

After a year and a half of not visiting Eden—the farm—it has transformed from a childish, all-friends-making-half-songs-while-planting-nonsense forest into a professionally managed non-profit organization and a real farm. I felt strangely homeless seeing how polished it’s become. I was slightly amazed, but sadder that I had gone off into space and come back having missed the entire show of my best friends farming and living together. Now they’ve mostly matured and journeyed out into the world.

Eclipse was hot and needed shade, so we wiggled into the farmhouse. I sat there staring at how well-put-together everything was. One corner of the house formed a three-sided window cradle, perfectly fitted with floor cushions and rugs that wrapped around the angles, turning it into a cozy, sunny hideaway. I drifted slightly asleep in that cradle. Eclipse wandered the house enthusiastically, then joined me on the cushion. Soon, Sam came in to tell me that dogs weren’t allowed in the farmhouse. We didn’t have all these rules back then. So we left and slept under a tree instead.

I was thinking about you a lot. At some point I was so exhausted from thinking about you that I got mad at myself for overthinking. So I drove home earlier than expected—a vast, open, yet sleepy drive again. I was physically so tired that it felt dangerous even to use self-driving, so I pulled over on the side of a flat road on an open plain before entering the mountain stretch. The moment I stopped the car, my mind filled with you again. I was shaking. So was my car. The passing cars were so fast they shook my car with their wind. I couldn’t fully fall asleep because I was afraid the gusts would flip my car over and I would die like a bird.

I ended up in my bed like a bird too. I was weightless and there was strangely no dream.

the sweetest thing

you are the sweetest thing that’s ever happened to me.

i don’t ever want you to feel you are not making me feel great.

you make me feel so important every moment.

i feel like a treasure in your arm, a pearl in a clam.

and i feel both very safe and very very free.

and i would only want you to feel the same.

behind the scene

nov 22nd

one of the lowest day of my november. i didn’t remember a single moment before i was looking forward to my very first indoor ecstatic dance. it has been an indefinite waiting, for my fate to turn around and prove that i am pure. but it wasn’t kicking in time. i was losing hope and a quarter alive. so i decided, i should go out and see the people in the city, because i never know if i will be able to see the city the next day, then the next day. i might never be here again. so i should go, see the city and the lovely people.

the human spinal chains

i met katya, a space fashion designer, in laughing frog yoga in 2023. katya invited me to his house party that i met ruya, a mermaid. ruya’s indigenous dance fest in topanga led me to meet bowen, the social networker, and bowen brought me to a birthday party in beverly hills that i met brent, the genie vocalist. brent invited me to jessica’s magic backyard jam that i met blank b, the flower boy. and blank b invited me to ecstatic dance. so here i am.

i should talk a bit about blank b. b and i definitely had a spiritual attraction on the first met. it wasn’t a crush, it was pure joy, finding another sunshine creature in this ever darkened world. i immediately appreciate him so much, and so did him. we made a dance on the spot call “new friend”, and we were adorable. it was one of the best start of my male friendships, extremely transparent, communicative, yet intimate. b and i ran into each others at the door of the primal move. him and skylar, the flower girl, showed up holding each other’s hands. i was instantly attracted by skylar, the perfect being for him, i was so excited for them.

the harvest

i usually go to social settings like this and ended up with a basket of new friends. it was always wildly productive. i must have been lovely too. i looked like an elf that day, and i met a few strong characters.

adam, an expressive dance magician. i felt like dancing with a pantomimist.

fish, a transformative being who can mimic any animals. the most chameleon like dancer on the floor.

skylar, the perfect flower girlfriend for b. I am slightly addicted to being around her. she is the same size like me, but she felt like my big sister.

matthew, a talented shaman vibed massager who got my every pain points right.

i felt accomplished for the day, i fell onto the infinite sofa and was done for the day.

a crystal dragon

i saw a crystal dragon on the dance floor covered in white fabrics just like me. the strongest aura of the entire floor. i was mesmerized. what a charm to watch from far away. but i wasn’t trying to talk to him. a. i was tired from talking, and already fished enough friends for the night. b. my presumption - someone like him, 9/10 too popular, and i would never get to schedule anything with him. c. 9/10 he is a gay.

our space crossed. he looked at me and said, hey, can i give you a hug. i said yes. he hugged me. it was one of the best 3 hugs i’ve gotten in my life. the other two came from ray/rachel, a soul-twin sunshine mermaid; dalton, the center character of my curiouser and curiouser.

i fell onto the infinite sofa again with bowen. we caught up on our lives in the last 1.5 years separated from eden forest. it was so nice to meet old friend and talk in nostalgia, and discover the woven who/when/where of our mutual friends. i also finally got the chance to thank him for keeping inviting me out to magical gatherings, and leading me to be bestie with brent. while we were talking, adam, the magician dancer came, and asked me my ultimate two emojis. i texted him jellyfish, phoenix. adam and bowen stared at my choices, and both of their eyes burst open, breath stalled and heads trembled. hilarious.

the next moment, i found the crystal dragon talking to others sitting right next to me. from a drone point of view, we were next to each others with a few inches gap, but in two separate circular conversations with their own energetic fields. i was in the conversation with bowen, and he was in the conversation with others. but a few moments later, our circles crossed and a third space was blooming between us. our conversation was immediately rooting into the core of the earth and sprouting into the sky. shortly, without me noticing, everyone left, and i found him holding my hand, our foreheads were touching. i felt an ocean in my vein.

i witnessed soft electric ripples of him and his guy friend holding hands and exchanging eye contact. wow. (he must be a gay). and the next moment, he left briefly. i felt how much warmth he had brought to my sphere. and i was left in a temporary coldness staring at the dance floor speechless. during that brief cooling moment, his friend came and whispered in my ear, “he is a great guy.” …what is happening? isn’t he your date?

we both had serendipities of how hard it is to leave each others from the conversation so he-invited-i-yes-ed to go for late night food to keep it growing.

we both were attractive beings that night. i was mildly trapped by a strawberry, and when he was back, i hinted and he rescued me from the strawberry. but people kept finding us on our way out. it was our first dance. a dance in a wave of human attentions. i directed and we made it out the space same time. he gave me a hug again and i drifted like a cloud.

our conversation that night was like an adventure through millions of unexpected resonances. everything that he was talking about, i was curious about. and everything he was not talking about, i wanted to bring it up and he would follow me into. it was an infinite conversation that we started and impossible to stop.

he is such an extension of his own mind. when i asked him if he can cook, he showed me a plate of lobsters, and i laughed in my head. of course, lobster.

when i drove him back to the street parking for his car a few hours later, he lifted me up to the high curb and wrapped me into his hug. we were about the same height now. he was in the wrong position to initiate, so instead i grabbed his head and kissed him. we swam into his car and melted in each others arms, and we never stopped kissing ever since.

the second time we met on a mission to chase sunset. he was wearing a bright yellow jacket and walking towards me like a giant happy bird. i was raised by a curb again, looked into his eyes first time in day light. my breath stopped. we kissed non stop, and he smelled like a garden to me.

i started driving and today he surprised me by talking like an upgraded version from two days ago. i said “you sounded like an adult” with suspicion, and he laughed. when we arrived at point dume, the sun already set. and the ocean was blanketed in moon light. i was never there after sun already set. the ocean was sparkling. we spent a long time at the ocean lookout and he folded me into his jacket while we were exchanging thoughts and temperature. then we went home, i fed him with my all-time-worst-cooking and he said it was delicious.

the third time i picked him up in the airport while he flew back from a snow storm.

i shared with him the darkness i went through and the fortune i got, and how we met on nov 22nd which was exactly in my fortune. i was surprised that he wasn’t surprised, and he received it like he knew it.

i said we should use the sunset room for sleeping since the bed is bigger. he turned around and showed up in the sunrise room instead and said we could all fit here. i was inspired. an option out of my palette. the best choice! and yes we fit perfectly with eclipse on the “ore” (like oreo cookie but without the bottom piece) futon bed. the next morning he opened the window blind and the sun came through and made a glowing halo around his entire body. everything stopped and i felt heaven. i took a mental picture of that moment. it was way too perfect.

we ate a breakfast in the sun garden. my breakfast looked like a dragon fruit flower arrangement. wow, look at the visual. i am manifesting into his aura as he is into mine.

when he was about to leave, i stared into his car while he was LEGOing his cargo into back seats. i was enlightened by his move and his lego—i had my eye wide open. he took a breath back and apologized for being messy. haha, he took it completely wrong. i laughed in my head. no time to explain, my dragon boy, you need to fly. let’s keep this dynamic as is for now so i can keep pranking you.

thanksgiving, the ending credit

thank Seth for seeing me and unlocking me 8 years ago in every direction, and inspiring me for sublime.

thank Antonio for ending us with such respect to my life and body that i can be at peace.

thank Ray for giving me space to be the nearest i’ve ever come to connect with a woman so i can have clarity.

thank Dalton for being the teacher of intimacy.

thank Yona for getting me out of loneliness, and respecting my body while i visit your home even we had a romantic connection.

thank dome crew for being the rare example of a perfectly functional open-polyamory so i could gain clarity.

thank Sean for exciting me and giving me the most thoughtful closure for Tomorrow Today so i am not attached to us.

thank Aaron and Clayton for not pursuing me even i knew you had a crush on me.

thank Nuri, Phil, Moru, Keiko, Oda, Fumi for taking care of me in Japan and showing me so much beauty of this world in my darkest time.

thank Leon, Ben and Dhruba for receiving me in Oaxaca and unlocking my songwriting.

thank Brent for being my gay best friend so i am not attracted into a dark relationship during my darkest time.

thank disco siblings, Heather, Sean and Yas for instant new friendfamilyships.

thank Journey and Majik for being my soul sisters.

thank whatevermike for inspiring my aura.

thank rachel and chris, then another chris and his gay partner for inspiring me unity.

thank B, Brent, Bowen, Ruya, Katya for making a human spinal chain that lead to our encountering.

thank God for making Davis.

thank Davis for making it this far.

thank fire god for an accurate revelation.

thank fire for my rebirth.

——

This film has ended, and the spacetime fairytale of a crystal dragon and a jellyfish phoenix has began.

very human

“how are u? how is your day?”

i feel very human.

i had a courageous and fearful time.

i feel pressured sometimes to say something peachy. and the truth is that this year has been so scary and i was in deep fear majority of the time worrying about losing everything i worked so hard for. and on the other hand, i was faithful to the story that i am going to make it because that’s my destiny each time.

i never fuck off or become insane. i did well, my decision making and chess playing were top notch. i saved myself and saved lives, but never was i resting in peace until i finished each fight with climatic momentum.

“courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear.”

and i was very much fighting and forwarding with fear and courage co-exist at the same time. and i wish i can cry, i just didn’t have much time to digest what i was going through after each fight. and i had no space to feel proud after.

and you arrived. very unexpectedly.

please forgive me for being so unwell.

please help me bear the anxiety of both separation and being cared for.

organic interdependence

“If someone could choose a life with no pain, no debt, no rebuilding — why would they choose me?”

a human question after collapse. cuz to the old me, love is about optimal alignment and minimal burden.

now i am living with a new kind of bond, where presence lives in emotional resonance, safety, life energy between us, and shared meaning… instead of resume and liability spreadsheet.

i am still in shock. and most of the time feeling unworthy. like a burnt mountain.

and the spontaneous green arrived unexpectedly covering the scar.

i feel more human and more myself and quietly nourished in this relationship.

i feel being together in balance without accounting. small unremarkable acts of care. like i put away his dishes, do his bed, and he cleans when i arrive, cooks without complaint.

i feel many things weren’t negotiated. forced. but they are naturally responding to real life.

i feel our closeness doesn’t need to start from capture. his generosity doesn’t erase agency, and our blurred boundary doesn’t mean danger.

i feel i want to help, share and stay, by choice. and we both give and receive. and i don’t need to track it.

i feel i am not coping with him, but i am co-regulating with him.

organic interdependence grows at a speed of wind.

i guess, in the end, love is not a math problem you must solve to keep.

(love always entered as a reward in the past, and now this is overwhelmingly profound because it’s revealing to me that intimacy can exist alongside chaos, and i can survive this gift. i am in the intersection of awe, fear, gratitude and sadness, and many more dimensions. and it hits so differently. )

continued…

red light therapy

microscopic healing. it was a powerful discovering. while i was on the bed lifted up, i felt strangely not in a flash anymore. like an island. and lots of lots of trees and stones and animals and molecures inside my body were interacting with earth’s inner core. it’s my first time feeling it. not as water, not as a tree, but as a stone. that might be exactly why the earth is the way it is on the surface. because then where did all that energy and continued renewing coming from? almost unlimitedly? yes there are sun and water and other climate. but maybe the very hot dense center, the core is doing something i am now experiencing. and red light therapy is mirroring that of earth to my body.

and what a serendipity that your sanctuary is a garden. red light therapy now carries symbolic truth. and that’s very artistic to me.

my australian friends’ cheating

i had a childhood friend, a beijing guy who moved to australia right after we met, during my high school time.

we are similar, and family-like to each others during our 20s, but we were never on the same physical page. he is a more grounded fun-spirit, and spiritually i am freer.

one day, about 8 years ago, he voiced to me that the only girlfriend he dated, for about 4 years, he felt actually not contained with. so he cheated on her, for a better-looking, smarter, better-skilled, better-everything-on-paper woman.

but right after the cheating, he came back to his girlfriend, all of a sudden not questioning anymore.

i asked why. he said, his girlfriend knew everything about him to make a good sex and she put a lot of effort into learning and getting better at him. but the better-everything-on-paper woman is not capable of it because she got so much sexual interest without paying any effort.

he also realized, all the little effort that her girlfriend was trying, to make their lives better, little by little. and he appreciated it now more than ever.

that was a period of life i was in a relationship that i was not happy with. a guy who shared similar traits with this girlfriend, he was great-looking, humble, grounded, trustworthy, took-care-of-my-mess little by little, but we weren’t connected. i felt so lonely.

after that talk with him, i wasn’t convinced his version of relationship was the relationship i wanted.

but his realization was powerful, and it stayed with me over the years.

sex

i am so happy i finally brought it up in a explicit way. after all these years of slow-awakening from that conversation. and i am so happy that you were happy i brought it up explicitly. i never had a chance. earlier years in my life i was too shy or too unaware to have this conversation and last few years none of my relationships made it to the stage that i could even brought it up. it’s a dream come true.

the lesson, my version

i ask the verse why you are here, almost daily. there is a lesson behind your arrival, for me, and it has unfolded quite a bit.

there is an ancient pain that i trapped myself in. i was convinced that i needed to earn my love, and only when i performed i am loved. i was either disregarded and or coping with non-compatible ones till i burnt out. and in between, were solitude that i convinced myself this is where i end up. in the end, i am not a better-looking, smarter, better-skilled, better-everything-on-paper woman at all. i am a different kind of human. there is only one of me. what can i do about me. and nothing wrong.

suddenly you arrived. despite that i soon fell into life’s hardest chapter, weirdly, life feels easier with you in it. most of me were taught, implicitly, that partner choices were about matching resumes, achievements or public success as much as the intrinsic qualities. and the beginning of a relationship should be ignition: momentum, desire, creative overflow, clarity. instead i am, fragmenting, quiet, inward, hibernating, i feel like something is fundamentally wrong — like i’m ‘wasting’ a rare chance. but you are here, and you are not avoidant. and my curiosity, vulnerability, humor, subtle depth, originality and the particular way my unarmored mind and heart work are resonating with another human-being. i am deeply alive, complex and real. and by the way, these are all too big for me to comprehend still.

i realized i met someone whose core, are infinitely open and flexible, as i am. and always reaching out to the light. the way we approached boundaries and frictions on surface level stuff was such an elegant dance. and filled with compassion towards ourselves and each others. i had very little to negotiate with you and life.

and so much so much joy. you make me smile. even when you were complaining. even if we end up trapped on an island for life. even if we end up trapped on mars for life.

because our inner life are so resonant and real. and nothing on earth would take away all of our wonderful external qualities and skills too. we could have remarkable connection through performance, or we could just have intimacy by doing nothing. and both poles are relationally intoxicating.

my last relationship was meant to cause me pain. i signed up myself on relationships that were bonded by trauma. i needed it too. i had so much growth.

we are different. we are here for the present moment. and now i realize this is probably all i ever want in a relationship. not that pain and boundary and friction can’t exist. but I DON’T WANT TO SUFFER ANYMORE! AND WHY THE HELL DID I ALWAYS CHOOSE SUFFERING??!

homeless time traveler

i was thinking about time traveling a lot lately. like i said, i never wanted to control time. always weather. but this time i wanted to. so i did.

i started reading years of journal i wrote. and if there was a point that i wish i would travel back to. with this present mind. and it wouldn’t be a perfect time traveling cuz it was my first attempt. so i picked a time while i was still in my previous career, previous relationship. a moment in covid. maybe early 2022. but i know you somehow. and your location. and i know that because i am teleported aka my present issue is gone but somehow we won’t meet anymore. that was the trade off.

and i am griefing us because i traded my biggest life issue with encountering you.

one day, i finally gathered my courage to knock on your loft door. you are there! you opened the door. i was shocked and shaking, and said, ‘hello! my name is Shiyoo. I am… your…’ you looked younger but slightly more disorienting. i paused, and i wanted to cry. and you welcomed me into the loft to have some rice like i was a homeless.

i said, ‘i asked to be teleported back to the past, which is now. because i messed up with life with a big big issue in the future time i was in. so i asked to be teleported back to now before the issue could have happened. but the consequence is that you and i won’t meet anymore in the future… cuz we met right after that big big issue happened to me. and i know you are in love with jennie right now… but we are in love when i was teleported here from the future, and i want to meet you…’

you were surprisingly not confused, laughed, and said, ‘nice to meet you.’ and you said you are happy with your life now. we went up, and i saw jennie, she was so lovely. and you two both looked like and felt like a couple. i told her what would happen to you and her. and i asked her to not leave you because now i won’t be there in the future for your life and you would be alone for a long long time if she leaves. i cried. she calmed me. i had some rice, and i left like a fruit fly.

now you and her would be happily ever after, right? i fixed it, right? and my family would have their million dollar back and i would be on track to be a singer song-writer and probably single forever, right?

all problems solved, right?

…but why did i feel so sad about this version of the story?

and what about us? what about trapped on an island or mars, having nothing, but us, and happy? what about crystal dragon jellyfish phoenix? what about sophie and howl’s moving castle and saving calcifer’s heart? what about our spells? what about our lessons?

i just… lost you. and i lost the journey with you. and now i want it back… WHAT HAVE I DONE?!

meaning of life

this whole teleport sounds like me justifying my tragedy against having you in my life right now, which helps me cope with my loss in the current existence in the non-teleported version of life.

i could have lost everything and also be in a deep tragic end of solitude and be consumed right now. and i could have saved everything and tell myself i won a lottery for saving myself and then having you in my life and continue my fantasy, and it might or might not pop in the long run. or i could have saved everything but not having you like the teleported version, life continues. or i could be in this exact version of life with you.

i didn’t want to, for the first time, be grateful for a deadly event. i hated what happened to me. and i would never ever choose it again. but i may be grateful someday for who i became. these are very different things.

i stared into palisades mountain a lot lately. it’s covered in baby green. for those whose homes were burnt, they might be grateful for the green. but it doesn’t mean they should be grateful for the fire and loss. the loss was real.

same with you and jennie. i am grateful (not happy) for myself, that she left, so we could meet. but it doesn’t mean you should be grateful that she left so we could meet. the loss was real, and hurtful. it left a hole in your heart, and i see it healing slowly but it’s still there. months or years later we might have our big moments and you might be grateful for who you become, in spite of her leaving, but not directly at her leaving. these are two separate things.

my brain seemed to not be ok without seeing everything happened for a reason and remix it as a continued poetry. we are, meaning making machines. wired to make meanings 24/7 at what happened to feel justified.

but the truth is, life is random, and meaningless to the verse. any version could happen by choices. they are meaningful to us because we make meaning after our choices to justify the choices. but they are meaningless to the verse. life goes on randomly. verse goes on meaninglessly.

but what about joy? and what remains? and what is my choice at the end? i am still a human, and i want meaning!

so, for many years since the teleport date till today, in both the teleported and non-teleported version of my duality of time, i’ve wondered all around the earth, realizing life’s meaning (to me) is really quite simple, like what you said at the door — ‘nice to meet you’. cuz at the end of our lives, it’s all the special humans we met, matter.

so, nice to meet you.

and so nice to meet you.

and nothing i want to fix about my life anymore. i made my choices, i am here, and you are here, too.

i am simply excited and looking forward to meeting all the ages and versions of you.

how is my heart?

ptsd

whenever i revisited in my head, the scenes i went through in the last 4 months of 2025, i was experiencing explosive panic attacks, my mind went blank and i was shaking. i had to shut them off.

so there was one early morning, in bed, i decided, i am going to just hold for 90 sec. so i allowed myself to go through a micro dose of those scenes and i ended up releasing so many physical pain and gas in my body. it lasted not 90 sec but probably 10 mins. now i can think of those scenes and not getting a massive heart attack anymore. a small heart attack is what i get now. it made driving safe. this is self-help solving my first step of my PTSD before i get a professional. still grieving so much, but a baby step.

depressive episode

baby step is not good enough anymore. time is up.

and next, i am depressed. because after processing the ptsd, i created a hollow in my heart. my confidence shattered from 10 (when you met me) to 0 and i question every little movements and i take forever to do simple things. my confidence needs to be rebuilt. a few friends who went through similar huge fail told me a few months / half year later i should be at 4. it’s just an episode right? why do i feel like it would last quite a long time? i expected the world to fail that’s why i wanted to be a musician. growing forever is not healthy for a society. a tree will mature, instead of growing forever.

stuck

i am in solitude most of the time. i have a few friends who i feel safe right now to call and express and they are mildly helpful.

i feel stuck and i’ve learned that it’s quite human to feel stuck.

swim

i used to not analyze my life when i had my high. i thought i disassociated with my high and i told people that. and i did feel good cuz i had no real problem. now more than ever, i need to permanently stop analyze my life when i am in my low. i need to move forward like i have short-term memory loss. like Dori!

just keep swimming~just keep swimming~

but how?

world

we are microbes in the world. the world is doing so bad. and we are just in it, like a pebble, like an ant. we thought we were safe and secure but we were never.

we are pebbles in bubbles. and things can just pop left and right.

mirror

i got scared when thinking about voicing these to you. or most of the friends. i got scared to voice that i am doing so bad and will be for a while.

so what do i do?

i was thinking what would i do, if you come to me, with vulnerability, sadness, feeling stuck, dark, hopeless, depression. i would be grateful for the sharing. cuz that means you are comfortable with me, and you trust me. and i would be so honored for the trust.

because like you said, you are so real. and i only want you to be as real as you are in every moment.

and i wish i learn to do the same.

alice through (many) looking glasses

yesterday was the first day i grieved for us.

what is there to grieve? i don’t even know how to describe it. i feel this long deep existential halo left in my heart.

i looked at the full moon and howled to the moon. will i survive this full moon. a full eclipse moon.

this morning i woke up around 5am very early morning, by bird sound. and all of a sudden i received it. i knew what is it now.

i collect treasure myself. and i am collected by people who collect people as treasure too.

i felt precious when i am with you. i felt like a treasure in your arm. i felt irreplaceable. and i felt wanted. and i felt your awe.

all these were feelings i haven’t felt in a long long time. it was implanted in the way you touch, kiss. and it felt very organic. it was such a gift and i am still in awe with those moments.

so of course i am quite sad that i can’t feel it again in reality anymore.

and the mean time i am happy that i figured out that’s what i am grieving about us too. it’s not the only thing that i grieve. but it’s a start of a journey of the grief.

when i got up today, i felt like alice waking up in a long dream. alice through many looking glasses. to be exact. she fell into a rabbit hole, and she went on an adventure with a magic boy in a kingdom of his own creation of color and light. she fought and stood up. and she woke up with the tingling feeling of his warmth in her palms still.

what a cinematic dream.